TOP TEN DRUGGIES



10. BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD
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Now, I guess, if you were so inclined, and stupid, you could make an argument here that we never really saw Beavis and Butthead do any drugs on the actual show. To me, though, that just means that you have either never seen the show or have never done drugs before. The fact that they couldn’t show two cartoon characters doing drugs on MTV back then was most likely the reason for this, but the reason should have been that it would have been a waste of screen time. We clearly knew what was going on. I had not yet been introduced to the world of drugs and druggies when Beavis and Butthead was in it’s heyday, so I don’t know this for sure, but it almost feels like that the show so perfectly nailed two stoners hanging out that stoners who watched it felt self-conscious while being stoned, not wanting to act exactly like these cartoon characters. But then they would smoke another bowl, forget why they self-conscious, and then prove that no one nailed the youth of America in the early nineties better than Mike Judge. – RH 

9. RUSSELL BRAND
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Russel Brand is not a fictional character. He is also no longer a drug user. But his tales of his drug-filled path are so numerous, and hilarious that I felt he needed to be included. He’s best known for his role as Aldous Snow, the rehabilitated rock star, in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (That character is essentially just a characterized version of him); and for hosting an awards show on that shitty station that used to play music videos. In England, he’s a little more well known having done a variety of television shows, and being one of the leading stand up comedians. I think we’ll be seeing a lot more of him here very soon. Heroin was his drug of choice for many years, and much of his comedy is fueled by the lengths he went to obtain it, and the things he did while using. He details all of this in his autobiography “My Booky Wook“. Read it- I fell out of my chair in tears I laughed so hard. This may be the least funny paragraph I’ve ever written…but he isn’t! How could accounts of terrible drug induced rages, weeks of binging and dangerous sexual addiction not be hilarious! – MG

8. SHAGGY
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Shaggy, another cartoon character who we never saw actually smoke weed, was so obviously a stoner it’s amazing they got away with what they did. Shaggy remains one of my favorite stoners because the fact that he smoked weed didn’t define him. Smoking weed was just something he did. He wasn’t a chicken shit pussy because he smoked weed. He didn’t  solve mysteries just because he smoked weed. He did all of those things, and then also smoked weed. I was going to say he enjoyed 60 layer sandwiches apart from the weed, but that would be bullshit. He totally ate those sandwiches because he was high as fuck. – RH

7. TYRONE BIGGENS
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Question: Do you know what dog food tastes like? Clue: It tastes like it smells. Answer: Delicious.

Tyrone makes a perfect druggie because he is totally and unabashedly shameless. Moreover, he doesn’t pal around with a bunch of different floozy drugs. His lady’s name is crack and she’s the only one for him. Apparently the best way to get as much crack as possible isn’t to earn money to buy crack at a job, or rob liquor stores, no, the way to get a lot of crack according to Tyrone is to learn how to do embarrassing, self depreciating dances in the street for change. But be warned, this is only an effective method to get crack or booze. It is not a way to earn money for any other pursuit. Why not? Wouldn’t the change earned be good for buying anything at all? We don’t know why not. Frankly, we don’t want to know. – BV

6. JAY AND SILENT BOB
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Jay and Silent Bob are two of the most well known ‘druggies’ of this generation. Since hitting the screens in black and white in 1994, they’ve come around every few years with their zany antics, and strange wisdom. To date they’ve existed on film, been animated, drawn in comics and in the written word. They are some of the most popular druggies in pop culture, though they’ve since been to rehab. They still continue to deal, which is pretty noble- making sure the dregs of society still get the fix they no longer partake in themselves. Hetero-lifemates they balance each other perfectly, with Jay’s  incessant, immature chattiness balanced by Silent Bob’s err….silence. Except when he imparts his world-wise advice on anyone who may need it. I spent a good chunk of my freshman year of high school in a long leather coat and a backwards hat trying to emulate Bob…never really could keep my mouth shut for long though. – MG

5. JESSIE SPANO
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On November 3rd, 1990, the drug war had officially ended in America. Many programs were started, PSAs shot, and pamphlets printed to try and help end this war. But no one could have ever foreseen that the final nail in the coffin in the attempt to keep kids off drugs would be the single most realistic episode from the single most realistic TV show of all time: “Saved by the Bell”. The show already had a season under its belt, letting kids know that if you were to wake up in the morning, and your alarm were to give out a warning, it’s O.K. if you don’t think that you may not make it up on time. But all of these episodes were just light jabs compared to the Haymaker that was “Jessie’s Song”. Jessie Spano, our nation’s greatest hero and quite possibly the bravest person to ever sport a 9 pound Scrunchy, had it rough. She had to go to high school, and participate in a singing group. Sure, most kids her age went to high school, but to expect someone to go to high school and do something else? Impossible. So Jesse, the gentle, gentle soul that she is, cracked under the pressure, and began…I’m sorry, it’s still hard for me to talk about…the memories are still so real…began taking caffeine pills. Her friends reacted exactly like they should, by rushing to her at her lowest moment and knocking the pills out of her hand. They knew it was her lowest moment because she was so high on these caffeine pills she could not help but scream the song she was supposed to sing, “I’m So Excited” at the top of her lungs. Since then, doctors have declared caffeine pills to be the number one killer of stupid, stupid bitches. Thank-you Jesse Spano. You changed the world. – RH

4. THE GANG FROM HALF BAKED
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I refuse to defend or even explain this pick. I will simply list some quotes from the movie and if you still want to disagree with us then I simply pity you.

-He got the wrath of the nunchucks yo!

-Yo Mister The Guy, did you kill my dog? No. I believe him yo. I don’t know why but I do.

-YEEEEEES! Cuban B!

-I love weed. I LOVE IT! But not as much as I love pussy.

-I wanna talk to Sampson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Crampton.

-Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it… oh yeah, pussy.

-Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Bully! That’s a certified fully!

Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that’s an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?

-First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he’s adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he’s a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer’s good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said “no man that’s my brother, I can’t fight nibbles” but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said “that’s it!” he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow. – BV

3. SARA GOLDFARB
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First of all, look at that fucking picture.  That is frightening.  Plus, she’s on the subway.   Not good.  What made the character of Sarah Goldfarb in “Requiem for a Dream” so fucking stand-out was the fact that she seemed real.  Who knows heroine dealers?  The answer is people that do and deal heroine.  Who knows a mom that watches too much TV and might pop a couple pills?  The answer is everyone.  And while the punishments that the character’s various drugs doled out were all terrible, Sarah’s seemed especially cruel because she was so goddamn relatable.  This former mother of a drug dealer became an emaciated wreck, lost her mind and her hair and ended up in the fucking looney bin having completely lost touch with reality.  Can you imagine losing your hair?  It’s haunting. -JRN

2. TOMMY CHONG
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You know, I’ve never been a big Cheech fan and whether it’s fair or not, I always compared him to Chong.  Tommy Chong was as likeable as he was high, which is to say extremely.  I always preferred his laid-back stoner to Cheech’s irritatingly hyper-aware pot head.  You know what Cheech wanted to do?  He wanted to talk about philosophy and the world and how big his hands were.  On the other hand, you have Chong, who probably just wanted to fucking veg out and eat hamburgers.  And while I’m not a stoner, I can deal with someone’s incessant need for hamburgers.  Plus, the dude makes fucking bongs and never sold out and became a fucking cop on a TV show with Don fucking Johnson.  Kudos to you, Tommy Chong.  Stoner through and through and the original American Sweetheart. – JRN

1. HUNTER S. THOMPSON
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Hunter Thompson is a druggie’s druggie. He gets all weird and gonzo, generally fucks shit up, but he’s also a respected professional. Sometimes he’d speak at colleges and the kids would throw joints up on stage by the dozens. He would faithfully collect every one. Hunter’s big break as a druggie came when he discovered cocaine. Though he was initially unimpressed with the stuff, it eventually got its grip around him and also opened him up to other fun stuff like mescaline. Perhaps his most impressive druggie feat came in his fifty’s when doctors discovered that Hunter was likely on his seventh or eighth liver. Apparently, when one liver became so poisoned from drugs and booze, it would simple die and be absorbed/processed by the new liver. In case you’re not a big anatomy student, this is not normal. Of course, had he successfully purchased that monkey at Circus Circus, that would have gone down as his most impressive feat. – BV

 

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